Wow....Today I did something that I hadn't done in 10 years; I visited my sisters grave. It was kind of sudden.
When I woke up I was forcing myself to study, but nonetheless I was getting things accomplished. Somehow as quickly as I gained the initiative and focus to get my work done, procrastination and loss of interest swam their way into my thoughts and actions and I ended up somewhere on the internet. i then received an interesting phone call by my dad asking what was the name of the cemetery my sister, Amar, was buried in. He had forgotten due to the fact that he hadnt actually been there since the burial. Whether he is not a cemetery person or the fact that it has taken him this long to accept her death enough to go visit her grave site, that is up to question. I told him that I remember some vague things, as I myself hadnt been there since I left baltimore in 2000. I tell him I'll make some phone calls to get the info. I call my aunt who has been volunteering this trip for a while, and she says she doesnt know. I then call my mom overseas, which turned into an hour long convo about how my grandparents are trying to get her married for the hundredth time lmao. Anyway between the info she gave me and google I was able to find the place, and when I called my dad back he had beaten me to it and was on the way there. I told him to come pick me up on the way and that there was no way in hell I'd miss out on this. I think the reason he actually went this time was that my sister was in the emergency room yesterday. Although she ended up having a simple stomach virus, the fact that she wouldnt stop vomiting and going to the ER was a bit of a reminiscent and extremely unpleasant experience for him. This may have triggered something in him to go and at the very least tend to the grave. So we go there (and I somehow end up dishing out 40 bucks for lunch for everyone wtf???) and I guide them to where the grave is (my memory served me well). We spend the next 40 minutes or so taking pictures and cleaning up the area around the plaque and such. It reminded me of something interesting though. The tradition of leaving flowers on the grave of the deceased has its roots in Islamic tradition, as the prophet told us that we should put leaves or any plant on the grave as it will be blessing the soul for the tough journey ahead. Anyway, my Dad was pretty quiet on the way back as expected, and I saw him look at ameerah and smile a lot on the way back. Seeing him in this state and so contempt was interesting in the very least. As for me, seeing the grave was at the very least interesting. I have been there so many times, and it really was an emotional experience every time I went, as my mom would be weeping the whole way there and back and at the site itself. But I did my best to recite at least one prayer for my sis when I was there, even though my dad and his family arent too keen on the whole religion stuff.
When I got back to school I left my phone on my dads car, after I spent all day trying to fix my new phone and ended up returning my old phone. For some reason this really pissed me off, and I dont get upset very easily, at least not like the way I did. I thought to myself maybe I was venting my emotions that I couldnt foster at the gravesite at something more tangible, but thats all psychological mumbo jumbo. I then basically sat down and forced myself to do some important paperwork for financial aid. I then went to two meetings only to find out each of them where cancelled and basically wasted an hour or so walking around and waiting.
On the bright side, I seem to have things in order for now when it comes to my life. I'll be outta here on time, but I'll have a year of lagtime or so, we'll see wht happens with that later.
The only thing that is truly unpleasant about this semester though is my utter lack of interaction with people. Like I literally have lost the majority of my friends. I lost someone who was my best friend over something that wasnt under my control but the consequence could have been worse than the current state. It was a lose-lose situation but oh well...As for my other friends, I have been growing increasingly distant from them, and Im not sure whether thats me or them. Probably me. Its time to shake things up a bit, and every time I get really social again and get in the habit of being friendly and outgoing, I get hit with this utter feeling of loss of interest in interacting with the world. Call it selfish but I just cant handle talking to people sometimes, and its cost me a lot of connections, acquaintances, friends and even romantic interests. I dont regret my actions though. Id rather tackle my own demons, that way I dont have to be responsible for reciprocity in that aspect. Even beyond this, I still get stuck guiding some idiot through some tough decision or situation and end up helping them even though I dont cat and I actually dont really do anything, they are usually the ones who think their problems and solve them, they just bounce things off me. Sigh...I think to myself that I can never return to the way things were spring of sophmore year, but then again, I dont actually want to return to then, do I? No its more like I just want to do my own thing, and every once and a while it gets to me. I basically whine it out and get over it and move on. Im living a lucky and blessed life, and I shouldnt be complaining about anything. I do regret a lot of the actions that involved gossip and people speak, as those are not of character and even if they are I shouldnt do it, i.e. it shouldnt feel right. Im getting better at that. Im looking forward to this summer, as I get to deal with less people and the problems from the semester dissapear and I just as I do every semester I start fresh with my interactions with people in the Fall. Lets see how that fruits, especially since I will have lost the rest of my weight by then and people treat you better when ur not fat cause its human nature.......and they're shallow haha.
