Change

Wow....Today I did something that I hadn't done in 10 years; I visited my sisters grave. It was kind of sudden.

When I woke up I was forcing myself to study, but nonetheless I was getting things accomplished. Somehow as quickly as I gained the initiative and focus to get my work done, procrastination and loss of interest swam their way into my thoughts and actions and I ended up somewhere on the internet. i then received an interesting phone call by my dad asking what was the name of the cemetery my sister, Amar, was buried in. He had forgotten due to the fact that he hadnt actually been there since the burial. Whether he is not a cemetery person or the fact that it has taken him this long to accept her death enough to go visit her grave site, that is up to question. I told him that I remember some vague things, as I myself hadnt been there since I left baltimore in 2000. I tell him I'll make some phone calls to get the info. I call my aunt who has been volunteering this trip for a while, and she says she doesnt know. I then call my mom overseas, which turned into an hour long convo about how my grandparents are trying to get her married for the hundredth time lmao. Anyway between the info she gave me and google I was able to find the place, and when I called my dad back he had beaten me to it and was on the way there. I told him to come pick me up on the way and that there was no way in hell I'd miss out on this. I think the reason he actually went this time was that my sister was in the emergency room yesterday. Although she ended up having a simple stomach virus, the fact that she wouldnt stop vomiting and going to the ER was a bit of a reminiscent and extremely unpleasant experience for him. This may have triggered something in him to go and at the very least tend to the grave. So we go there (and I somehow end up dishing out 40 bucks for lunch for everyone wtf???) and I guide them to where the grave is (my memory served me well). We spend the next 40 minutes or so taking pictures and cleaning up the area around the plaque and such. It reminded me of something interesting though. The tradition of leaving flowers on the grave of the deceased has its roots in Islamic tradition, as the prophet told us that we should put leaves or any plant on the grave as it will be blessing the soul for the tough journey ahead. Anyway, my Dad was pretty quiet on the way back as expected, and I saw him look at ameerah and smile a lot on the way back. Seeing him in this state and so contempt was interesting in the very least. As for me, seeing the grave was at the very least interesting. I have been there so many times, and it really was an emotional experience every time I went, as my mom would be weeping the whole way there and back and at the site itself. But I did my best to recite at least one prayer for my sis when I was there, even though my dad and his family arent too keen on the whole religion stuff.

When I got back to school I left my phone on my dads car, after I spent all day trying to fix my new phone and ended up returning my old phone. For some reason this really pissed me off, and I dont get upset very easily, at least not like the way I did. I thought to myself maybe I was venting my emotions that I couldnt foster at the gravesite at something more tangible, but thats all psychological mumbo jumbo. I then basically sat down and forced myself to do some important paperwork for financial aid. I then went to two meetings only to find out each of them where cancelled and basically wasted an hour or so walking around and waiting.

On the bright side, I seem to have things in order for now when it comes to my life. I'll be outta here on time, but I'll have a year of lagtime or so, we'll see wht happens with that later.

The only thing that is truly unpleasant about this semester though is my utter lack of interaction with people. Like I literally have lost the majority of my friends. I lost someone who was my best friend over something that wasnt under my control but the consequence could have been worse than the current state. It was a lose-lose situation but oh well...As for my other friends, I have been growing increasingly distant from them, and Im not sure whether thats me or them. Probably me. Its time to shake things up a bit, and every time I get really social again and get in the habit of being friendly and outgoing, I get hit with this utter feeling of loss of interest in interacting with the world. Call it selfish but I just cant handle talking to people sometimes, and its cost me a lot of connections, acquaintances, friends and even romantic interests. I dont regret my actions though. Id rather tackle my own demons, that way I dont have to be responsible for reciprocity in that aspect. Even beyond this, I still get stuck guiding some idiot through some tough decision or situation and end up helping them even though I dont cat and I actually dont really do anything, they are usually the ones who think their problems and solve them, they just bounce things off me. Sigh...I think to myself that I can never return to the way things were spring of sophmore year, but then again, I dont actually want to return to then, do I? No its more like I just want to do my own thing, and every once and a while it gets to me. I basically whine it out and get over it and move on. Im living a lucky and blessed life, and I shouldnt be complaining about anything. I do regret a lot of the actions that involved gossip and people speak, as those are not of character and even if they are I shouldnt do it, i.e. it shouldnt feel right. Im getting better at that. Im looking forward to this summer, as I get to deal with less people and the problems from the semester dissapear and I just as I do every semester I start fresh with my interactions with people in the Fall. Lets see how that fruits, especially since I will have lost the rest of my weight by then and people treat you better when ur not fat cause its human nature.......and they're shallow haha.

Excitement

Something has happened. Im not sure what it is, or what is going on with me, but I've had a burst of energy lately. It has been so ridiculous that even I was like wow...I mean compared to most of this summer where I have been like mellowed out, and not really all together, I feel that the start of the semester is coming and so many things are different now. Just so exponentially different than last year. Ive grown so much this summer, mind body and soul. Im so much more excited to do everything, I wanna have a ton of fun. I think its a combination of factors. One of the things is that my friends are totally on the same page as me in the fact that there will be many exciting opportunities to do stuff we havent before. Another is that I have been really busy so Ive always had something constantly to look forward to. Another is that I accomplished all my goals for the summer and took care of everything, even though it may have been all in the last 3 days. I also feel a lot more grounded spiritually than I was a week or two ago. Like at one point I was in a complete haze and not really there altogether, but now its like woah...im totally here. And in complete honesty there is only good to look forward to this semester. Like even in my interactions with everyone, it seems all so positive and upbeat, and ive been feeling pretty spiritual lately, ive been so appreciative of the beauty in the world and have been taking walks and enjoying nature and i dunno its jus been so amazing, as life opened its doors on me and said here, take this. But in all reality, im pretty excited abt this semester, and im glad im no longer that mopey kid who sits in his dorm all emo and such, but i was able to be better at what i do and totally enjoy the company of others. Like I felt that I had little energy this entire summer, and was not really there when I was talking to people. I would be saying constructive things and be able to respond and such but thts abt it. It reached the point where i would barely remember any conversations at all, like I was watching myself from the sidelines talk to other people. Things got a lot better ever since around the time I went to NY, but ever since like around Wednesday, Ive jus been hyper busy and it seemed like i was accomplishing so much and getting everything i procrastinated done, and seeing all my friends this week really boosted me up, even tho it was like over 3 days and they were all totally split up. But either way, it has jus been phenomenal, and I can only imagine how much more awesome it'll be when everyone is back on campus and we all have cars and its gna kick ass. I just feel a rush of excitement and havent stopped smiling. Like I actually could not recollect how many ppl I've seen in the past week and how overwhelmingly kick butt its gna be the first couple days back, talking to everyone and catching up. My mind body and soul are all on the same page pushing it to the limit and really appreciating the things around us. I dunno i jus cant stop the beat thats been running through me, like every time i hear a song i jus want to go downtown and dance the night away, a feeling i havent had in a looong time. I just feel that yeah i can be physically tired, but that doesnt mean i have to be mentally tired as well, and i can always find something that makes me smile in every step of the day. It really is amazing and I hope this rush lasts, as it'll prove to be great for training and even more so for when the real excitement begins in the semester when finally things will be epic as heck =]

Post script: the word "I" was said about 50 times in this post, and it makes me feel kinda self-centered lol.
P.P.S totally halfway asleep while writing this but still super excited

Adult Life

Today I realized that moving into the apartment, cooking my own food, working a 9-5 job, scheduling and planning fun and other things of the sort all constitute what I perceive to be the entry into a new chapter of my life, an adult life.

Its probably because I was still adjusting that I didnt feel the changes until now. Like today, I woke up early, no if ands or buts, went to work and had to think on my toes and do well, came back to my apartment and cooked some things, and then tonight I have a social outing planned. Ya know at first I was hesitant about all of this. It seemed odd and rush into things, but in reality it is the perfect time to change the way my system operates, because first off its summer, so there is no academics that are eating and tearing away my flesh (except for the MCATs which I will buy my grave in advance for). Second off I realized that I wont be living in the same room as someone for a long time. It's a very liberating feeling having that kind of independence, and I didn't really appreciate it until now actually. Right now I'm comfortable here in my own domain where no one will bother me, well hopefully no one haha. I still have sutiemates but its not the same. I'm actually really excited about how this is going to change my day to day thing in the long run.

Today also I was reminded about how I operate when it comes to management. I like to take care of things the moment they arise and not procrastinate. Procrastination is something that has plagued my immediate friendship for so long now, ever since high school, and I just want to be one of those people who when they get a email or something just take care of it at the time, and NOT push it off till its like a week overdue. Then I'd be like who I was freshman year, and end up getting slapped with a nice bill. But yeah this change is healthy, and I'm not sure whether or not I want to but I'm thinking of finally doing it. I might at some point this summer jus make everyone I know start calling me by my full name, Fouad. Its gna be hard at times, especially at the beginning, even for me. But ya know it'll help me I think in the long run. There will still be places where i will be denoted as Fou, but I will try within means to limit them. I think that I need to start tapping into that potential of mine that I always look at, sigh, an go eat a chocolate bar or something haha. Being a successful person requires more than an attitude, it takes good hard work, something I havent been doing for a while. I hope that I will be able to prove to myself that I can take on the MCATs and do extremely well in them, thereby bettering my shots of getting into med school in the US. I'm getting my teeth pulled in a couple weeks, so thats exciting. Also I've been working on my weight. I accomplished something in the fact that I have so much chocolate in my room and I barely touch any of it....well that's a lie I do eat it but in moderation an sanity. If I were still in the dormitories that would have never happened and I would have eaten them all in a week haha.

All in all this summer should prove to be positive and an opportunity for me to work hard at getting the things done that I need to, and to hopefully have my schedule slowly fill up with something substantial related to my career goals so that I feel like I am accomplishing what I need to do to reach that beautiful MD...or DO we'll see. I hope that I can continue with this attitude as it is the only thing that will keep me from going back to Fou. See I have to go ahead and change that, as with all changes, there has to be a physical, social and thought component to it. Alright I'll formulate a gameplan on how to tackle that tonight.

Fiscal Responsibility

Sitting here in the office, I was reading up on racial inequality correlated with net wealth and income; a more tedious read if not completely mind-numbing. I guess this is what happens when you cram for an exam, lol. But anyway, one of the themes that kept recurring was debt and fiscal unpreparedness. This made reflect on my personal spending habits. One of the things that I have unfortunately to some extent inherited from my parents is the spending of money on random things and not being fiscally proportional. However my parents ended up in fiscal peril, chapter 7, second mortgage, ya know the usual among the so called middle to low class families of the time. So why would one inherit such a trait after seeing all this chaos consume his day to day life a as child? I can now see why they did it. Their lives were so stressful that they had to turn to tangible goods to bring to them some level of perceived comfort in their lifestyles. Why would anyone sacrifice their future because they refuse to change their lifestyles? People who are not used to change. People who back when they lived in other places didn't about fiscal issues at all. Those who didn't learn about fiscal responsibility and depended on their parents for every step of the way and didn't once think, hey I need to start saving up money and investing to secure a better future for my family.

Sometimes as a college student its easy to forget the fact that when this illusion of fiscal security through meal plans and paid housing ends, the real world hits you, and you have to learn how to start managing your money and how to get money as well. I guess my experiences since I got back to the US and being for the most part fiscally independent, sometimes even when living at a relatives house, has helped shape who I am today. I like to think of myself as someone who has his goals set beyond just getting through college and going to professional school, but rather someone who is thinking about his credit, his debts, his taxes, his jobs, his fiscal management and so on and so forth. I've been always kept on my feet every semester by that impending bill or fiscal issue that threatens my day to day existence. However in recent weeks, things have gotten on a better light and I can finally start saving money in a realistic fashion. But in complete honesty I was so relieved that I was done worrying about major bills that I kinda forgot about my fiscal management responsibilities. I have spent about $120 on random junk in the past month, and in complete honesty I was at the very least aware of what I was doing every time I made a purchase. I was so ashamed of how much I was spending I didn't even want to monitor my balances on my accounts to see how much I had really spent. Though it seemed like over $250 at the time, upon reviewing my history, it isnt that bad compared to previous years (knocking out over $500 in a month *ouch*).

SO why then. Why would I do something like that even though I held myself to stern standards and hoped to remain fiscally sound? Probably because of my lifestyle overseas. Everything overseas was cheap. I never had allowance given to me in my life, but I was never really denied any monetary request but I rarely ever asked, unless I was going out with friends. While this system was not efficient in teaching me fiscal responsibility, it saved my mom a lot of money by keeping me from buying random useless junk. So with that mindset I came back to the US where I had pretty much lost grasp of the relative costs of things, i.e. what is expensive and what isn't. But even after getting a grip of that, I still spent a lot of money on useless items that in the end had no real positive influence over my life except maintain that perception of a relaxed lifestyle.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I need to keep on monitoring my fiscal status and make sure that I keep everything together and ready for a future for myself and family. In addition, I need to start actually investing money so that I can have something substantial to present to myself in the future saying "this is the fruit of the seeds you planted so that you and your family won't have to starve if something terrible happens". I guess that is a phrase that didn't cross my parents mind when they hadn't saved up any money and ended up in debt over hospital bills and excessive spending because my sister had gotten terminally ill. But that is another story...

Now that things are settled

I'm finally set fiscally. Things are going well. But something is missing. I can't pinpoint it but there is something that is not there. My mind is set, my studies are well. Elections are over thank God and now people are so interesting to watch as they try to climb the political heights to try and reach the watcher at the top. The watcher awaits them and sifts through the plenty of people who want to be beside them watching those down below. Little do those people know that the watcher is merely a bird on its nest in a tree, but they are too ignorant to see. I reside in the mountain looking down on them all but yet I feel so small. Why? Is the tree that intriguing to me? Or is it the bird who when my eyes aren't on it is flying to heights above my mountain space?

Still something is missing. Sometimes the things we are looking for are right under our noses, or theirs, embedded in their smiles.

The Best Night of my Life

As a student, living in the prosperity of the United States and enjoying the simple things in life, I find myself very grateful for the situation I'm in and hope to one day reflect on these good times. However everyone has struggles, and here are some of mine.

This week I have spent my time in my father's new apartment without internet. It really does suck to not be able to figure something out literally at the touch of a button, a gift that you can't appreciate until it's gone. Besides the point, I wasn't able to get anything done study-wise besides the information that I already had on my computer prior to going there. I was forced to turn to television to suffice my boredom of studying, which became ultimately a distraction on its own rather than a "break time" from Cell Biology, which I had the book to but couldn't read for more than 30 minutes at a time due to its repulsive repetitiveness of never-ending cascades of reactions and so on that I don't want to think about.

Besides that I came into the apartment with 3 things on my mind, get my paperwork for financial aid which will be (no joke) "Cancelled" on tuesday if I don't bring in the paperwork necessary. It took me 3 days to gather all that information from the respective sources necessary. Immediately afterwards my phone minutes went out. I was literally stuck between 4 walls w.o. communication. It was frustrating. I also happenned to forget to pack my tshirts so I only had 2 shirts and had to wash (aka spend money) several times as a cost of this mistake. My tshirts are currently folded in a pile on my bed in Patapsco where they don't belong. All this going on I had to get my wisdom tooth pulled out at some point because it was crooked. Apparently I later used my dad's cell to call and it turns out that they are on break this week (the dental students of course) and will return next week. This came as a relax to me as I am now able to focus on my studies and get my things done. IN the process of this I had to buy myself food as my dad had been living alone and he would eat out all the time = not enough food in house for more than 2 days. I used up as much as I could, then I had to go and get stuff. I ended up spending like no joke 80+ bucks and rising on stuff over the past week. The moment I'm done with all this and ready to return to campus, I get delayed an extra day stuck baby-sitting which is fine I guess, no big deal. No realistic studying during that time either though. Then I finally get to campus this week and spend I shit you not an hour looking for my friends apartment (didnt pick up phone til after I found apt.) and finally get there after dragging my stuff up and down the hill like 8 times (hr of walking=I have to do laundry AGAIN). Anyway, I call up my other friend and see if he wants to study. SO we head out to the library and watch Craig lecture *snooze* and spend 3 hours on a lecture that is only 75 minutes. Yes it is that challenging to figure out what he is talking about. Anyhow I felt I benefited from doing that so we go out and eat (more spending) and misspend money as usual on food. Then we come back waste some time and get some more work done, when I decide to go get my laptop. I get back only to find that my laptop isnt working. WTF. The screen isnt going on and it keeps booting for a minute then restarting. WTF. It has to have been from going up and down the hill earlier that day. UGH!! That is the reason I'm writing this. Not because of all the other stupid stuff going on in my life (impending UMBC bill that MUST get paid, financial aid, waiting on decisions for jobs, looking for a summer job) or because of my studies (I'm prob getting a B or C in a class that I am REPEATING because I messed up one lab, getting a B or C in a class that I should be teaching, getting a C in a class that med skools look at, getting a B or C in a class that I can't stand).

Its natural of people to look back and reflect, what is going well that is keeping my sanity. Is it the fact I'm doing well in a class that is actually important for my major? Is it the fact that I am not starving, homeless and am in school trying to establish a career for myself that will ensure my financial security? Is it the fact that there are people that although I only need two hands to count them, will work their hardest to make sure I succeed and will give their heart to help me when I need it? Is it my realization that this world is but a moment and I am doing the best I can with what I have.................................................but am I? I honestly need to remember who I am. Who was Fouad before he came back to the US. What kind of individual were you? What was your priority in this life? Where did your trust lie? Where was your heart? You know damn well what the answer to those questions are. Be weary of the next steps you take, because they may as well be the ones that will send you down an never-ending spiral of sorrow that you wish you had never seen. It's easy to forget. It's easy to get distracted. It's ok to face loss. It's ok to have everything you worked at washed away. It's ok to be tested. What isnt ok is just to ignore the facts and turn the other cheek. You know who you are; you know exactly what you are doing. Make the moment count. Don't falter in your resolve, stand strong and don't be crushed by anything. Face your Maker and remember who you are. No....no....there is no Fouad was, only a Fouad IS.

Chapter 3

Contemplation

Well I've been on vacation the past month and a half and got my fill of love and care from my favorite side of the family. It has actually been a good 2 years since I've seen them and spent time with them for a decent amount of time. It has been their absence in my life that has left me misguided and troubled. I was always worried that I was on my own when really all this time I was only thinking so. It was the little things that were always on my mind, the responsibilities that got me so tense and worked up for no reason. Life is relatively easy at this point. I had my break from being in a stressful environment to one with a lot of happiness and caring. I hope to one day create a happy and loving aura for my own children, but that is a ways off. I now look ahead into the future and my career as a medical doctor. Step by step I will work my way to the goal which I set for myself. Money is no object, now is not the time to worry about such things. I'm not sure what broke me out of my "loser" hypnosis but I think it involves seeing opportunity and knowing that you are taking advantage of it. Also I changed the set of songs I listen to on my laptop, haha. But seriously, change of attitude is a mandatory accompany to change in lifestyle. for example changing my eating habits is what is essential to me returning to prime health. From here it is just enjoying life and what it has to offer, and continue smiling and looking ahead making sure you don't fall. I will become a proud and successful person, no doubt about that; but what intrigues me is that life is a series of steps of moving up and beyond into what looks to be a interesting future for mankind. I truly can't wait to see what technology will bring to this world, as it has changed the way we live over the past 20 years. God only knows what kind of world future generations will live in. The economy sucks and well that is not too good of news for a populous bent on becoming the workforce. This is an interesting turn of events, as H5N1 upsurged in 1918 and then the market crashed 1929, and now the same family of virus came up recently, its not long before history repeats itself and we end up in loss. Even now banks are going bankrupt. Looks like its time to put money into Swiss banks, eh? Well I really dont know what to say. It sounds selfish but although I still need to be aware of things like that, but I should stay focused on the things that concern me so I don't get too caught up in time consuming thought processes. This blog was meant for me to vent my thoughts into paper, well digital paper. So here's something fun, a list of things I learned in the past month:

1. 5 out of 9 girls in West Virginia are really hot .
2. Having a good plan for the future and sticking to it is what makes a succesful person.
3. Cadbury's Flake is by far the best chocolate bar I've ever had (that is a veteran opinion)
4. Disturbed is a pretty good band.
5. Summer is a great time for introspect.
6. Bad idea: Dieting when going to WV.
7. Anything can be modded to play anything.
8. Ebay is amazing, finally know how to make best of it.
9. I need to go through Europe when I'm older and spend a winter week in Vienna.
10. The internet is only as boring as the person using it.