Chapter 1

Infatuation

When I was told she mentioned my name earlier that night…I don’t know what I thought. I couldn’t bear to believe that she thought to talk about me in a social context. Well it could be that I am affiliated with the thing she was talking about…well it doesn’t matter she was talking about me. It’s funny how things play out, ya know? Like I went from having to take out a huge loan to maybe getting paid to go to college? Pretty sweet huh. Life’s like that. There are ups and downs and the only thing that separates one person from another is how they react to it. What you do in this world is really what matters. Intentions are internal and actions the opposite. When I first met her I acted like a person who was trying to be social. Unfortunately for me I was very bad at it as I was just learning how to be social.At this point I was actually not attracted to her at all. Nothing really. But day after day, week after week…I’m not really sure what happened. I kinda just realized that she is beautiful inside out. I was attracted to her qualities before I realized that she was gorgeous. Funny, you might think that is why I find her special. Then again there are so many, eh? Every year different setting there is that one girl you are infatuated with. Infatuation…I don’t remember exactly when I learned the difference between infatuation and liking someone. I compare it to taking something to the next level but in the wrong direction. I wonder sometimes why my heart takes such direction. Hmm…the humorous thing is that usually I’m very good at reading my own thought processes, to the extent that I know how to leave myself notes and reminders to be seen at specific times in the future. And yet I don’t understand why I fall for girls that I don’t see a future with. My mind says no stay away, there is no hope. But my heart says go for it. However lucky for me, my mind is stronger, as it tells me the reality. What reality? That the problem is with me. I am emotionally immature. I have no experience in relationships. I’m too afraid of rejection to even ask a question. I’m used to being shit on so why the problem? Being the control freak that I am, I feel that that was the only part of my life I had complete control over. Be friends nothing more. It was fine in Syria, really it was all good. But here I feel this push to do something I don’t want to. I like her and I mean its not like if I get older I will have more opportunities to meet a girl like her. She is sweet, sensitive and kind. Family is important to her. Honestly I don’t want to be with a girl who isn’t strong enough to keep her stand when things go down. I guess that comes with experience, eh… Its too much to ask of someone her age. I’ve seen too much unfortunately. My experience is unique, what I’ve been exposed to in regards to people and mentalities and what ideas and things I’ve formed in that thing I call a head. It’s funky really. Sux. I really don’t know anymore what to feel. I like her a lot. However I dont want to dont see it going anywhere. However because I am incapable of just washing away my feelings, I started to try to stay away as much as possible. But my heart was with her, so my subconscious led me to her. But I didn’t want to be near her….not that I have anything against her…I mean I like her, but in order to stop liking her I have to keep a distance between us. That is very difficult I’ll tell you that for sure. She probably thinks I’m mentally insane. I don’t want to be weird. I just want to move on with my life. But its like my heart is on a different path. I mean what is the chance that the girl I’m gonna spend the rest of my life is someone who goes to college with me. Probably not. I should just move on right? Well I try and then when I see her my mind truly goes blank. Why is my mind just so screwed up like this? I need distance to kill an emotion like that. Infatuation...it is something that I shouldn't do. I should just get a life and stop writing blogs. Focus on my studies for once and not get carried away. Infatuation.

Chapter 2 - Politics

Chapter 2

Politics

Everyone is just a politician trying to sell themselves aren’t they. As I walk by I notice relations being built, people interconnecting just so that they can feel important as they wave to people they barely know across campus. I truly feel its better to have a small group of people to call your friends, or maybe two of these groups for instance at max. But to kinda know loads of people and call them your friends just because; no, that is playing politics. Definition: A friend is someone you know, hang out with and enjoy their company. It is something that you share with someone; there is no one sided friendship. An acquaintance, however, is someone who you sorta know and see possibly on a regular basis. I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, but there is no need for a person to know everyone’s grandma’s middle name and their favorite TV show, etc. just so they can fool themselves into thinking that they have a so-called “friendship”. Seriously at a campus like this people just don’t care. Its sick how someone can manipulate a social context just to satisfy his own needs. Then again am I just jealous because I am not good at doing it myself? Haha, it’s funny how I try to keep myelf in check even though I’m writing whatever comes to mind. You’ll notice I will do that a lot as you read on. Yeah by the way I just broke the fourth wall. Don’t know what that means? Google it. But that is another chapter. Anyhow, I just feel that social life is there for a reason, relief! What if life was all work and no fun? What if there wasn’t that best friend to bitch to about why your life sucks (which I didn’t have for a period of time) or that friend who you want to share your innermost secrets just because you can? Which I don’t do b/c I don’t trust anyone. Period. Some people get some levels of trust but nothing past a certain point. I always give’em something to chew on so they think Im shallow and only have little things. Little do they know where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. No one I bet in any of my classes has been through all the different types of contexts that I have. Then again I have been one to underestimate people. Politics. Yeah I think most of the processes are debunked. How people function is quite intriguing. What motivates people to do the things they do? Why are they doing all the things that they do? I mean I am motivated to do things at the core because I believe that I need to contribute to society as a part of my duty in this world, but what about others? What goes through a persons mind when they are robbing a bank or doing something like that? Or better yet when they double cross a friend. By the way don think I’m putting subliminal messages into this because I am not, my life nowadays is too boring to have these interesting predicaments. Maybe that is it. People are bored so they get a kick out of doing people bad. Then again people may think that writing streams of consciousness are a waste of time. Sigh, I really don’t know what to say. I am always busy and have things to do and I’m sure anyone else will say the same. I’m not sure why I picked politics, I have nothing to say about it, as I feel it is not about what is right or wrong, it is always about who knows how to abuse the system. It is also about who has the right connections. “Wasta” is what it is called in Arabic, connections in a certain context I mean. It is a terrible plague that dreads our societies. However if you think about it, how will people know about you if you don’t either go out there and sell yourself or know the right people already? It is a chicken/ egg complex that really sucks. A lot of things suck don’t they? They say do something about it. Really? You think it is going to make a difference. Look at these people, why should I bother with them. I should target the freshman. Yes that is the way, get already apathetic people to not be apathetic when they see all these apathetic people around them. You have truly outdone yourself on that thought. Have you ever put a lot of effort into something and then someone comes along and gets the same end result with zero effort or does even better? O.K you see that feeling, that is what it is like when someone ignores a line to a theme park ride and goes up to the front and rides on the ride now instead of waiting for 2 hours. That special treatment is no good. It is addictive if you are lucky enough to get a hold of in some context or another. However the loss of it can be dramatic and even lead to depression if it follows you wherever you go. It gives people a feeling of control, which is by far one of the most addictive things ever. That is what is like to be a politician and kinda know people to see if you can get an upper edge in something through someone you don’t even care about, but they are excited cause you remembered their name or something. There are areas where no mater who you know, you will be treated the same as everyone else. Too bad those place are ceasing to exist everyday. Politics.

Introduction

Hello unsuspecting reader, I welcome you to fou's blog. Being that you will probably read this once and only once I will make it short. You have been directed here as a result of me sending you a link, someone sending you a link, or you reversed searched my email to see if I had a blog. As a result you are about to embark on an epic journey inside my mind to see what mystic wonders lie beneath that which I call a skull. Enjoy!