Chapter 1

Infatuation

When I was told she mentioned my name earlier that night…I don’t know what I thought. I couldn’t bear to believe that she thought to talk about me in a social context. Well it could be that I am affiliated with the thing she was talking about…well it doesn’t matter she was talking about me. It’s funny how things play out, ya know? Like I went from having to take out a huge loan to maybe getting paid to go to college? Pretty sweet huh. Life’s like that. There are ups and downs and the only thing that separates one person from another is how they react to it. What you do in this world is really what matters. Intentions are internal and actions the opposite. When I first met her I acted like a person who was trying to be social. Unfortunately for me I was very bad at it as I was just learning how to be social.At this point I was actually not attracted to her at all. Nothing really. But day after day, week after week…I’m not really sure what happened. I kinda just realized that she is beautiful inside out. I was attracted to her qualities before I realized that she was gorgeous. Funny, you might think that is why I find her special. Then again there are so many, eh? Every year different setting there is that one girl you are infatuated with. Infatuation…I don’t remember exactly when I learned the difference between infatuation and liking someone. I compare it to taking something to the next level but in the wrong direction. I wonder sometimes why my heart takes such direction. Hmm…the humorous thing is that usually I’m very good at reading my own thought processes, to the extent that I know how to leave myself notes and reminders to be seen at specific times in the future. And yet I don’t understand why I fall for girls that I don’t see a future with. My mind says no stay away, there is no hope. But my heart says go for it. However lucky for me, my mind is stronger, as it tells me the reality. What reality? That the problem is with me. I am emotionally immature. I have no experience in relationships. I’m too afraid of rejection to even ask a question. I’m used to being shit on so why the problem? Being the control freak that I am, I feel that that was the only part of my life I had complete control over. Be friends nothing more. It was fine in Syria, really it was all good. But here I feel this push to do something I don’t want to. I like her and I mean its not like if I get older I will have more opportunities to meet a girl like her. She is sweet, sensitive and kind. Family is important to her. Honestly I don’t want to be with a girl who isn’t strong enough to keep her stand when things go down. I guess that comes with experience, eh… Its too much to ask of someone her age. I’ve seen too much unfortunately. My experience is unique, what I’ve been exposed to in regards to people and mentalities and what ideas and things I’ve formed in that thing I call a head. It’s funky really. Sux. I really don’t know anymore what to feel. I like her a lot. However I dont want to dont see it going anywhere. However because I am incapable of just washing away my feelings, I started to try to stay away as much as possible. But my heart was with her, so my subconscious led me to her. But I didn’t want to be near her….not that I have anything against her…I mean I like her, but in order to stop liking her I have to keep a distance between us. That is very difficult I’ll tell you that for sure. She probably thinks I’m mentally insane. I don’t want to be weird. I just want to move on with my life. But its like my heart is on a different path. I mean what is the chance that the girl I’m gonna spend the rest of my life is someone who goes to college with me. Probably not. I should just move on right? Well I try and then when I see her my mind truly goes blank. Why is my mind just so screwed up like this? I need distance to kill an emotion like that. Infatuation...it is something that I shouldn't do. I should just get a life and stop writing blogs. Focus on my studies for once and not get carried away. Infatuation.